


And your curse is to be what you already are

by ulittuq



Series: you bloomed, despite the darkness [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, I’ve only seen the first fantastic beast movie so apologies if newt isn’t in character, Obscurial Harry Potter, and any plot point from other fantastic beasts movies will not factor into this au, specifically referring to how Snape treats his students, this isn’t a redemption fic but Snape might get there eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26897581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ulittuq/pseuds/ulittuq
Summary: Harry has settled into his life at the Scamanders’ and receives a visit.
Series: you bloomed, despite the darkness [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962514
Comments: 9
Kudos: 249





	And your curse is to be what you already are

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic for this au! This isn’t like, chronologically the sequel to the first one bc Harry is already settled at the scamanders’ and is in the processes of recovering, but this is the idea that struck me first

Harry stares at Snape, then he turns to Newt to confirm that, yes, the words “I apologize,” just came out of Snape’s mouth. 

Harry looks at Snape and tries to be kind. He wants to be kind. 

He was kind to Dumbledore, when he came with an old grief renewed. But Dumbledore loves him—had always shown it too little or too late—but it was there and that was enough for Harry. Dumbledore had bowed his head and said, “I am an old man who does not learn from his mistakes. I will not ask for your forgiveness.” Harry did not give it to him, but he still sat and drank tea with him. 

You can love someone without forgiving them. 

But Snape has always been cruel. Not just to Harry, but to everyone who didn’t wear green. Even to them, Snape had never seemed kind, simply never turned his cold bitterness onto them. 

Harry thinks, if he hadn’t burst into smoke and despair, Snape would have never apologized. He would have stewed in his anger and felt justified. 

Harry lets the silence stretch out for a moment longer, before saying, “Have you apologized to Neville?”

Snape looks taken aback. “Longbottom?” 

“I was never afraid of you,” he says, “but Neville was. Remember his boggart?”

Harry turns to Newt. It’s easy, to tell Newt things—even the hard things. Maybe especially the hard things. 

“In my third year, we had a practical lesson about boggarts. Mine was a dementor because I felt powerless against them and they’re horrible but they also gave me the only memory of my parents I have. 

“And Neville’s... Neville’s was Snape.” Harry feels anger crack through him, sharp and biting, and takes a moment to breath. He’s tired of being angry. 

“The Lestranges’ tortured Neville’s parents to insanity and his worst fear was Snape.”

He and Neville had talked about it, after the Azkaban break out, when Neville stayed back to help Harry clean up a DA meeting. 

“It’s the only time I’ve heard them sound alive,” Neville said, with a guilty sort of grief. 

But in third year, it had been Snape who stepped out of the wardrobe. 

“Neville sounds very brave,” Newt says quietly, “to face his worst fear everyday.”

Harry smiles. “He’s one of the bravest people I know.”

He turns back to Snape. “And you made Hermione cry, in fourth year. When Malfoy cursed her front teeth to grow. You didn’t help her. You’re lucky Fred and George had a free period and helped her to the Hospital Wing, because by the time she got there her teeth were growing past her feet.”

Harry thinks if he acted this way with anyone else, it would be cruel. But it’s not cruelty, not to Snape. It’s showing him the consequences of his actions. 

“We’re kids,” Harry says and the words settle strangely on his tongue. He doesn’t feel like a kid, has never felt young and innocent—but he is. Not innocent, maybe, but young. “You’re the adult. You’re supposed to help and teach us. You didn’t.”

Snape’s face is pale and drawn, the line of his shoulders getting tenser with every word Harry says. Maybe it is cruel, what Harry’s doing. Maybe he wants it to be. 

Harry takes a sip of his tea. Let’s the warmth of it sit in his mouth before swallowing. His hands are shaking. He said he was never afraid of Snape, but maybe he was, a little. Maybe he was afraid of what Snape reminded him of. Or maybe he wasn’t afraid of Snape when he was eleven, but he’s afraid of him now. Because Snape dug into his mind and unearthed Harry from the cupboard. Unearthed a skinny little boy whose only friends were spiders and liked his lightning bolt scar. Who didn’t know his body parts were like heirlooms, passed down to him by people he would never know. 

Harry had wanted to leave that boy behind, tucked under the stairs to be forgotten, but Snape dragged him out. 

Snape opens his mouth, maybe to defend himself, maybe to admit to all his sins, but Harry doesn’t let him. He’s kept this tight ball of anger in his chest for so long, weighing him down. It’s time he let it loose. 

“You’re apologizing to me,” Harry says, “because I’m important. Because I’m a tragedy. What about all the other kids, who are afraid of you, who cried because of you? Have you apologized to them? Because until you do, you’re not really sorry. You’re just sorry you got caught being a bully.” 

The teapot on the table shatters violently, sending ceramic and tea flying. Newt’s quick to flick up a barrier to shield himself and Harry, but Snape is too slow. Tea splashes at his feet, soaking his shoes. 

Harry blinks, wonders who did that. His magic has been slippery, lately—twisting away when he reaches out and lashing out when he tries to tame it. He looks to Newt. Newt always knows when Harry has an outburst. 

But Newt is looking at Snape. 

“I think,” Newt says in the slow, steady voice he uses with his creatures, “that it’s time you leave.”

Newt’s eyes dart to Harry and he nods. “I have nothing more to say to you,” he tells Snape. 

Newt tilts his head towards the fireplace. Snape nods stiffly and disappears in a burst of green flame. 

Harry watches him leave, watches until the fire flickers back down to orange. Newt is moving around him, cleaning up the teapot, gently uncurling Harry’s fingers from his empty mug. 

Harry lets him, feeling outside of himself. Not smoke and rage, but untethered.

Snape had come looking for absolution and Harry had not given it to him. Maybe he should have. But he couldn’t, not when Snape only came to him. Snape had wronged Harry, yes, but Snape had wronged so many people. Snape would have to seek forgiveness from them, before Harry would reconsider. 

Harry blinks, feels the weight of a blanket settle around his shoulders. It’s one Mrs. Weasley knit, a soft green that smells like pine and gingerbread—like Christmas at Grimmauld Place. Harry tangles his fingers in the stitches and shifts back into himself. 

“Do you think I did the right thing?” he asks. 

Newt hums, gathering his thoughts. “I think,” he says slowly, “Professor Snape has been shielded from his mistakes. It’s allowed him to stew and justify his actions to himself. Maybe he was never given a chance to grow, but he never fought for it, either. You’re forcing him to confront the consequences of his actions, not just to you but to everyone.”

“And that’s good?” Harry asks. 

“Yes,” Newt says. “Hopefully he’ll learn from this.” 

Harry hopes he does, too. Though, even then, Harry may not forgive him. Maybe what Snape did was unforgivable. 

But the endpoint of redemption isn’t forgiveness. The point of bettering yourself is to be better. Redemption means you leave behind no more victims—not that your previous ones forgive you.

Newt glances at his watch. “It’s almost feeding time,” he says. “Would you like to join me?”

“Yeah,” Harry says, looking away from the fireplace, “yeah, I will.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty dialogue heavy, which isn’t what I usually write, so let me know what you think of it!


End file.
